10 reasons I didn’t respond to your text message immediately

1. My ringer is off. 

2. I’ve misplaced my phone. It might be lying in placenta somewhere.

3. I’m somewhere in eastern Montana where there is no cell service

4. I’ve got my hands up a goat’s vagina helping her give birth.

5. The goats are out. Again.

6. I’m saving the UPS guy from the mean old rooster, Chicken.

7. I’m saving the UPS guy from my beagle who has cornered him in the back of his truck.

8. I have slipped and fallen on the kitchen floor and knocked the wind out of myself because the UPS guy pulled up and the dogs kicked over the water dish in their hurry to get out the door and bark. Then, I slipped on the water while running out the door to make sure the dogs didn’t bite the UPS guy who occasionally decides to come in the yard.

9.  My beagle is running after the garbage truck hoping to attack it. I am running after my beagle. My beagle is ignoring me and freakishly fast for a 14-year-old dog

10. And the most common reason is that I saw your text and immediately went back to what I was doing, with the thought that I would text you in a second and didn’t remember that you texted until someone else texted me six hours later.

True stories.